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I COACH...SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO
Some thoughts on
the Parent - Athlete - Coach relationship
By KAY LYNNE
FIRSCHING
Head Coach
St. Louis Spirit
After a recent
meet, a parent spoke to me about the conversations taking place in the
stands about the swimmers. Some parents talked about everything that their
child needed to change to improve. Others wondered why their child was not
improving as much as another swimmer on the same team. Others expressed
doubt that the coach was doing enough to make the swimmer improve. None of
the comments were about whether the child was having fun or noting the
improvements that did happen. Did these parents share their thoughts with
their child when he or she came to the stands? I hope not. All of these
concerns are the purview of the coach. All of these parents mean well. They
want their children to be happy and to be successful. They want to help.
Sometimes parents help their children so much that the activity, in this
case swimming, becomes more about the parents’ feelings than the athletes.
It is important for
the young athlete to be able to own her swimming. What I mean by this is
that the desire and work and commitment need to come from the athlete. Some
parents make the mistake of wanting swimming success for their children so
much that there is no room for the child to discover on her own whether or
not she wants to do it. Some parents are so busy making sure that everything
is taken care of that the child never experiences any failure. If a child
never experiences disappointment or failure, she will never learn how to
recover from it. She will not know the value of appropriate consequences for
her lack of action. She will not be motivated to change.
Parents are in the
enviable position of being able to be their child’s cheerleader and primary
emotional support for swimming. All corrections and instructions should come
from the coach. The coach knows what skills and training levels the athlete
should be working on.
I had a young
athlete on my team for many years who loved to swim. When he became a
teenager, he developed some performance anxiety issues and started swimming
less well at meets than at practice. Worry became a part of every meet. He
worried that he would not be good enough. He worried if he did not drop time
at every meet in every event that he was not working hard enough. He worried
about his mom’s reaction to his performance. That was the key it turned out.
Other swimmers told me that this swimmer’s mom would tell him after every
practice and meet all the things she had seen that he needed to fix. She had
spent a great deal of time and effort to understand swimming and wanted to
share her knowledge with her child. She wanted to be involved and to help
him improve in every way possible. The result--he stopped swimming. It
became not fun. He felt like he was a failure even though he had “A” times
and was a leader in his lane. The message he heard with all the corrections
was that nothing was good enough. The mother’s desire for the swimmer to be
really good dominated the swimmers relationship with his sport. Instead of
the swimmer determining the amount of time and effort he wanted to spend
improving, he spent his time reacting to his mother. It became about her and
not the swimming.
Parents over
involvement with their child’s swimming even extends to simple things during
practice.
Last year, I was in
the hallway waiting for all the swimmers to be picked up and a brother and
sister from the team were playing in the hall. I asked them where their mom
was and they said she had gone back to the pool to get the water bottles
they had forgotten. These siblings were 9 and 11 years old.
When will these
children remember to pick up their water bottles for themselves? Never. Who
would if someone else will do it for you? As a coach, my feeling is that
swimmers should be responsible for their own equipment. Parents might want
to remind, but they should not do something for a swimmer that they can do
for themselves. One of the coach’s jobs is to teach the athlete to be able
to take care of herself and her equipment.
All of this is not
to say that parents should not have any concerns or responsibilities about
swimming. Parents need to get swimmers to practice and meets on time and
they need to make sure their swimmers have access to the proper equipment
and supplies for their sport. Parents need to reinforce the concept that
swimming on a team is a commitment to the team and to the sport and to
themselves. If parents have concerns about training levels, skills, or
stroke technique, those concerns should be discussed with the coach. The
coach is responsible for the long-term development of the athlete and may
have a different view of what is happening. Your child’s coach knows her as
an athlete. Your child’s coach knows what your young athlete can do and what
she is capable of doing. Let your young athlete have her own relationship
with her coach and with her sport. Don’t become your child’s coach.
Hopefully, she will have many good coaches in her life. No matter what, she
will only have one mom and one dad. Be the parent. |